w e . a l l . d i e . t r y i n g


thoughts
time has been used to work on fear / for year and years and years / with strength and self-belief / the old falls away / fears still exist/ anger still exists / at my ignorance / at pain i’m responsible for / in others / atonement a birthmark / it is good anger / it carries the stones required for building with determination / work is not overwhelming / what i could accomplish – but haven’t / is overwhelming / running a race / stopping / running / stopping / questioning the track / anchoring / where there is no water / without him / moody scented words / aligning to hormones / positivity invariably returns / running commences / time will be used for improving / still fears taunt / is my truth illusion ? / is my love based on falseness ? / are my efforts feeding darkness or light ? / will i be remembered for my crying or my laughter ? / did they know me well enough to discern the difference in my tears ? / did i learn well enough to be a worthy teacher ? / did i leave my students with the most essential lessons sowed into their hearts ? / love ? / did i mirror love well enough that they will not question whether they are without ? / did i share love well enough that it will be natural for them to do the same ? / did i give freely enough that they will not fear being in lack ? / did i make it a point never to say no in pursuit of their interests ? / did i teach them to take accountability for all that comes out of them, and to remain steadfast in what they allow in ? / did i show them that strength grows in dark lonely places ? / did i figure out how to explain the difference between wants and needs ? / will they feel compelled to step out of their comfort zones to support the needs of others ? / did i stomp out all spirit of entitlement, and explore how life is a gift and not promise ? / did i find healthy ways to illustrate that romantic partnerships are not extensions of parent-child relationships ? / will i have placed them far enough away from the tracks of my childhood that outrunning me is certainty ? / did i teach them not to complain, but to instead seek meaning and resolution to all manner of discontent ? / will they ever feel compelled to say the words, ‘mom did the best she could’ ? / if so, will they ever grow to see that ‘she could’ didn’t apply ? / did i teach them about whose will i believed us to have inherited, and that what may be perceived as my best was instead my attempt to work through that will ? / did i get it right ? / in the end, did i get more right than wrong, and leave them with greater truth than lie ? / at my grave, will they find sorrow in the fire that turned me to ashes, or joy in the fires that filled my life with passion ?