C O L O R

on

Something is in the air, and it’s asking me to take some kind of action, but after a week, I’m still unclear what’s being asked of me.

I haven’t digested what I’ve written as of late, but suspect it leans more towards dark than light. If that’s true, and I suspect it is, then it doesn’t necessarily benefit anyone, including myself, and is ergo a waste of precious energy.

Something is breaking my heart, and it’s asking me to take some kind of action, but after a few years, I’m still unclear what’s being asked of me.

I haven’t examined my heart in silence, without writing words or seeking them, but suspect it is falling into some abyss, rather than a bright blue crystal lake. If that’s true, and I suspect it is, then breaking silence doesn’t necessarily benefit anyone, including myself, and is ergo a waste of precious energy.

Something has slowed, and it’s asking me to speed up, but after a lifetime, I’m still unclear what’s being asked of me.

I haven’t examined the idiosyncratic oddities absorbed by those in middle age, but suspect my thoughts and demeanor fall in line with the expectations of those belonging to such groups.

I am young, old, tired, withdrawn, and hopeful. There are more days I feel like a horse put out to pasture than I can comfortably admit out loud, and even though I’m not that horse, I admire his natural aimlessness that requires no explanation.

Altogether, it’s what I haven’t mentioned that has been my most notable contender. Loneliness.

I’ve been fighting it with faith and fantasy for so long that it no longer listens to the stories I tell, the wishes I share, or the prayers that come alive in my dreams. I still wake up lonely, and no matter how many words of hope I throw in its face, it refuses to awaken dressed in contentedness.

So here I am. Again. Pointlessly. Needlessly.

This is my sign to pause. To take a break from this space, and others as well. To determine where and why my light has failed. Me. I don’t suspect I’ll be gone forever, just long enough to convince lonely to take its leave.

Be well. Better yet, Be Love.