How do you decide when to start over and who do you decide to start over with?
It may be different for everyone but likely has something to do with needs, wants and listening to our hearts. Sometimes it is better to invest in quality blood ties than inferior bloodlines.
Thank you for your letter and offer to visit. I admit that it came as a surprise, one, because I haven’t been responsive to your previous communications and two, because you’ve offered to visit before but rescinded the offer at the last minute, citing distance and time as an issue.
Truthfully, it is the latter of those reasons that were responsible for the former, and this isn’t to suggest you have responsibility for my reaction, it is just to explain why I reacted the way I did. My defenses in public are high but at home nearly non-existent and because you want to visit me at my home, I am admittedly wary, because it is not just my home that would be open but also my heart.
I’d excitedly prepared for the visit you planned but wasn’t disappointed when you cited your reasons for not coming after all.
I was devastated. I felt like you’d left me all over again but justified your decision with a spiritual kick to the head using immaterial footwear.
I was too much of an adult to throw an outward tantrum and realize you couldn’t see my tantrums within, nor would it be possible to comprehend what it might mean for me to time out internally. Were I a child I may have been sent to a corner to calm down, but as a silently angry and grieving adult, I chose to visit every nook and cranny of my mind wanting to time out but instead found more to scream about.
Though I’m no longer in time out, I’m writing to you instead of calling because my voice is still hoarse. I would like to put aside emotion to welcome your arrival as I sense it is desired for your own spiritual healing, but I fear it would reverse my own and were I living solely for myself, I would gladly risk the hurt, but I’m not. Taking such risk could negatively impact those I support, and it’s my responsibility to protect them from harm whenever possible or foreseeable.
I am admittedly quite sensitive so live in a bubble most days, and though it’s lonely, I’ve grown somewhat accustomed to this brand of pain. Most days I’m able to talk myself through the temporal aspects of living so that darkness does not cling, but on other days my voice grows more hoarse in its frantic search for a place in my mind that might allow rest. There is a fine line between temporary sadness and permanent temperament, and I suspect the challenge is not to play double-dutch with passing thoughts, but I hold onto the rope anyway because it serves more than one purpose.
If the content of this letter leaves you confounded, please accept my apology as that is not my intent.
I want to thank you for your offer to visit but ask as kindly as possible that you not. You have shown me that you don’t trust me and that my value in your eyes is somewhere beneath the cost of a plane ticket and your time, so I think it best to leave our bloodline where it is.
I have long forgiven you for not caring for me, but my life is a vessel holding more than minor insight to your curiosity or a once in a lifetime trip to Disneyland. I am more valuable than my name, and I am more worthy than yours. I know we each have a different life to overcome before we get home, and I know it doesn’t require us to come together to get there.
I love you, Dad, in the way that I know our Father in heaven would approve, and this is why I am comforted in my decision.
Your Baby Girl