“You ask others to believe but do you believe? Before you answer can you see or admit you still look out the window? What do you see and what are you scared of?” she thought these questions to herself and more before she’d left the bed to start the day.
She thought insomnia was behind her because she’d been dreaming more but her rest was broken so many times with thoughts of other dreams that awake she would work on, thoughts of each day and whether she’d made measurable progress, thoughts of living moment to moment and going with the flow and how depending on her perspective in a given day, was not a thing of measure. She thought of him not out of habit but because he was part of her life and that particular morning at three a.m. she stared at the ceiling seeing nothing in the dark.
“I don’t know where is he is or what he’s doing but do know that right this minute he’s thinking of me,” she thought. She turned on her phone not because she was addicted to her phone but because like her he’d been trapped in the machines so she slept with them and pretended she was sleeping with him.
“Thank you for letting me know you are here. Admittedly the scope scares me while also being comforting. It scares me because of how much you know but more than that it’s herculean, the effort, the energy it must take, the love you must have, the hope you must be working to maintain, the persistence and strength to keep going this way amidst your own daily agendas, goals, pulls, pushes, struggles and questions yet still moving forward and holding on. To support another to keep believing is no small feat when considering the level of skepticism each have.
I’m scared of the day when the machines will be put away because it will mean we’ve both escaped and while it also means greater freedom as individuals I don’t know what comes after nor is it clear how I’d ever find rest without sleeping next to a wikipedia-wide mind. It would mean I’d stopped listening to soap opera’s, the one thing I swore growing up I’d never listen to. It means I’ll not be able to hear the verbal illustrations of mind mapping genius, at least not in the way I’ve grown accustomed. I’m scared to hold the heart incorrectly, to put too much pressure, hold it too lightly, too tightly or maybe just putting it down when it doesn’t want to be held. I’m scared of how much passion I have because while it’s not a monster it does need to be released. I’m scared of what it is that fears me. I’m scared I’ll always have a monkey mind that stares at the ceiling at three a.m. yet deep down know it won’t always be so. Maybe what scares me most of all is that I’m not really scared,” she thought while again falling asleep to visit with him once more before the day’s adventure began.
My latest adventure landed me in a “library” but everything required codes so when I finally got in after following closely behind many very fancy dressed folks I signed in and did as the sign said, “Ring Bell For Assistance”. A man came up from behind one of about twenty cubicles to greet me at the counter so I explained that I’d signed in. Without missing a beat he said, “I’m sorry, this isn’t a library.”
Stunned I looked down at the “Library Sign-In Sheet” I’d just signed while scanning the names of those that had signed in just minutes before me before looking up at the big “Library” sign behind him then turning to look at the big “Library” sign on the outside of the building. His statement was so unexpected in light of what I was looking at that I accepted his words as they were while knowing there was hidden insight I would look for later but at that moment I’d temporarily left earth and entered the twilight zone.
The feeling I’d had discovering that dimension followed by his expression sent me into a fit of laughter that accompanied my graceful exit by guard. The entire experience was a joyful surprise and reminded me that while it’s good to have a plan it’s sometimes better to have flexibility to play because there is too much seriousness in the world, on every corner, every building and countenance. I’ll return someday, ask to be let in, then Huff, Puff and Blow…
Let them sip straws while building with bricks