There was a lot she knew she didn’t know about him but more importantly there was a lot she unknowingly did.
More than wanting his hands on her to bridge the cold steps she needed to continue walking alone in faith, more than wanting to hear his voice to keep her upright and above the steps of fear she would need to leave behind and more than the expression of passion manifest each time his body entered hers to bridge steps of disconnection to prove she was not alone. She wanted more than all of this.
In her own passion she wanted most to know him because for the first time in her life she’d fallen in uplifting love while weighted down in heaviness from simultaneously carrying much more than the theme of a movie screen fairytale. She died inside at the realization that in all her life she’d not acquired words palatable enough to garnish the presentation of her heart to him. She died inside knowing that flowery words, phrases and quotes were not enough yet all she had to give. She died knowing that regardless her truth she would be found to be too true to be real.
She looks back now and sees that she forgot about him in her sorrow, at how he too was dying and how his own truth may have been too real to find or even desire expression.
It’s easier to stand on the perceived correct side of judgement than to stand balanced in the middle of right and wrong where neither carries more meaning than the other. Judicial systems will forever be plagued with imprisonment while remaining uniformed in diseased armor that protects false witnesses.
Still we live, proof that life shall bear till death the karma of inhabiting wombs of suffering transformation as again and again the stork calls earths inhabitants to blow the trumpets of yet another promised arrival which we bundle with the scent of frankincense and hope that perhaps the newest naked soul bears the gift of transformative love that might relieve the suffering of every womb and validate the purpose of the offspring that stand always lost upon winters of unending discontent.
She has from the beginning seen him on a pedestal, an initial vision without tangible explanation and though her letting go words were delivered years prior it is only now she’s released the postman in the knowledge that her love has forever arrived to its intended destinations free of charge and without need of return receipt.
She has hoped many things and in presence finds a life in service is the gift she must embody without fear of defeat. She prays to be aligned with truth, not her own but all held superfluous to nature where aligned are all truths whose differences in dialect are overshadowed by eminence of One heart finding no prejudice or preference in places appointed or hearts granted entry.
She aims to be more than she is because she knows from whom she has been delivered and has not yet decided whether her cumulative experiences of him are weighted more in pain or joy but knows also there is no value in attempting to keep score in love nor is there any method to measure the value of experience that urges evolution. We each embody promise, hope and freedom where all is well with our souls.
She hopes to again see his face, hear his voice and embrace the truth of his experiences and evolution. Not less and not more than this she hopes for capture within the spaces of physical intimacy that have shackled her mind with yearning and her body with such magnificent ache that nightly she kneels naked in the garden beneath the stars and with her hands placed behind her back and whispering to constellations in prayer:
Please grant the wish.
May we meet in stillness at the place within ourselves that has been illuminated as neither lost nor found.
May we again share our bodies that our souls find the peace we have come here for, may our truths be a shared vehicle spoken in kindness, heard in union and released in joy to flow in the baptismal font of eternal compassion and if we be found stumbling in understanding or wrong in our inability to let go, please grant us the strength to stand together in our ordinary humanity, physically separated by an illusory earth and without fear of the inevitable final breath to boldly face the sun each day and embrace the blessings granted to our hearts through the consummation of shared love and passion that for reasons alike and different have multiplied the wicks of our souls candles while eternally transforming and strengthening us in our walk home.