I N Q U I R Y

on

There is an introductory paragraph pending here…

Of the pain, did I invite the experiences in my life? 
Yes, I believe so.

Do I regret them?                  
No, I don’t.

Do they still hurt?                  
Yes, very much so. Loving someone in a pool of illusion has been interesting.

Why I am still in the pool?     
Cause not loving this person is not an option.

Why is he still around?   
I suspect they want to teach me a lesson or two but in way that would cause me to get out. I really don’t know.

If I believe that, why I am still around?    
Before I would have said I’m in love. Now I would add that I’ve learned it’s ok to be in love and move on, that it’s ok if the love isn’t reciprocated, it’s ok if he doesn’t like me as a person, if he cares nothing about me really. It’s all ok. The passion, the yearning, the lust – it’s all there and that’s ok too – those are often fleeting things. The love is permanent though. That’s why I’m still around, in my own way.

Explain Life Before Him
I’m not a quitter but I believe I’d given up on pursuing some things in life. I was lost and didn’t want to to ask for help outside of talking to psychologists and even then painted my heart brighter than it felt because my biggest fear was that if I was too depressed my kids would be taken away from me. So before I met him I’d quietly placed flowers on the gravestone of my dreams and went about supporting everyone’s preferred version of me which was simply supporting all of them. I spent years waiting for those around me to get stronger so my hard won lesson was that no one can get stronger when someone else is carrying their weight for them. I never had the wherewith-all to deal with my potential or dreams and in many ways felt I had no right to crack open that door.

Explain Life Post Meeting Him        
He arrived as I was using a shovel to bury my marriage, at a time when all my dreams wanted to jump out of my skin, when they all seemed possible, when I felt confident I’d create an atmosphere of peace post leaving a toxic and painful environment. I’d stopped attending my gravestone and was getting healthy again. I felt like I knew him though I didn’t. Yet on some level I did and his presence, just that, gave me pause and resonated with my heart. There was a veiled intensity to him that seemed to match me in a way I can never explain and for whatever reason eventually prompted me to go back to my grave and exhume myself.

Explain Life After He Left
This doesn’t exist but I understand the question. I am not the same as before but I’m also not that different. I wanted him to love me so made sure to show him all the parts of me I believed were lovable or that I felt had potential. In essence I was operating from a sense of lack, fear and insecurity because his absence triggered several feet of dirt I hadn’t intended to exhume. I was out of my element, tied to home in more ways than I’d had the ability to pre-conceive and the momentum I’d built before he left simply stopped. My physical freedom of movement was dramatically altered as were my external activities. I saw no way around this so rather than fight I settled into exhuming, depression, writing, eating, outlining dreams and chasing him with a vengeance because he was in them. I didn’t feel I could pursue my dreams without him, not because I couldn’t go it alone but because he was an integral part of the picture I’d painted and then refused to paint over which led me into psychotic obsession. Unfortunately, I was not being realistic about his life situation(s), his dreams, heart, family, surroundings, feeling or truths. I was being selfish and then wanted to cover my feelings for him up in ego and let him go but wasn’t successful. I was simply not part of his reality the way I wanted to be part of his reality and it’s there that my lesson keeps me returned to me a little stronger each time. It was ok after all. I didn’t need to know anything. I can still love him.

I believe the distance made it clearer to see me in my spectrums versus the colors I was more comfortable showing. I don’t know. Point is, he never really left and neither did I. Wish I could explain it better but can’t at this point in ‘time.

Why do I dream of him?   
I made a promise to him in some other dimension. Can’t explain that either. It’s not an obligational feeling so much as a desire to support his heart. Sometimes the dreams are the closest I can get to touching, kissing and making love to him. Realize he has a life but I’m finally in a place where I hope he’s getting all of those things anyways. I support his joy.

Do I think he needs me?  
Not like air, no. Not in the conventional sense of conventional relationships either. Maybe just in the sense that no matter what transpires between us I still love him, care for him and will expand the scope of that love and care to the extent he allows or needs, to the extent I’m able, to the extent that it’s healthy for both of us. Unconditional love we all have within us, so not even my love do I think he needs per se.

Do I need him?                 
There are days when it feels a resounding YES is in order but those are painful days. It is more comforting for me to acknowledge that I want him but that regardless, without him I can and will still love him.

What is my wish?    
I’ve asked to have someone in my life who can and will love me as I am the day they find me, all flawed with bits of beauty and always in the midst of improving myself. I need to be loved in a way that would support or help bring me in alignment with my purpose. I’ve asked for someone who will allow me to freely love them in the way best for them that also supports their highest purpose. I’ve asked for more in a ‘relationship’ but this and trust were where I started. I’m confident all my wishes will be granted as they continue to be and from experience know they always show up in unexpected ways. So, I rule nothing out.

What secrets do I keep?
Unfortunately I think he knows them all. The strengths, weaknesses, insecurities, the blindspots. He knows them. I don’t believe he knows how sensitive I am. He has an idea but he doesn’t know. Sometimes it takes only a word for me to latch onto tears. I’m working on it. I can’t say I know the same about him but hey, guess what, we’re not a thing thing so it’s ok. I’m pretty sure he’s not a cereal killer.

What do I like best about him?
This is hard because ironically we struggle with communication. I see people in their jobs sometimes and covet the singularity of focus by which can be applied to an entire day on one topic. I’m actually not clear if I covet the focus, the idea of a singular topic or both. Point being, he is a spectrum of the world in one human being and has (is) in continual expression of himself in these hues. I admire him for his fortitude and passion because he’s been given more than most will ever see or touch to do anything with. He is a doctor of blind spots in others and when he sets his mind to it, he’s unbelievably creative in the way he works to lift others past them into a greatness they don’t even see for themselves. I admire more about him then I know not to admire and there a few things, but they don’t measure against the greatness of his soul.

How do I want to end this post?
The same way I desire end anything. In peace and love.